I Did It Myyyyy Wayyyyyyy....

Every once in a while, in moments of stillness, my mind will come upon a memory of something that happened to me during treatment. This seems to be how I am able to reflect on what treatment was like for me since I can't seem to remember events in chronological order.

Last night, while in bed right before sleep, I remembered the intense inner outburst I had while preparing for radiation treatment. I was so overwhelmed by the fact that I didn't have complete knowledge of the entire process that when they told me I was going to have to be tattooed, I burst out in tears. In that moment, I didn't want one more mark on my body because of cancer. I already had scars galore and the thought of my first and only tattoo being from cancer was too much to take.

When the radiation tech told me I had to have the marks permanently put on my skin, I said why?? She responded that it was because they needed to align the radiation beams the same way every day and it couldn't be off. Hmmmm..... so that required permanently marking my skin? Um, no. My first tattoo was not going to be on account of treatment. I could not stand the fact that I would have to look down at my torso every day and see black dots that represented a time in my life I would rather forget.

I told her I know there must be some other way to mark my skin and cover it up for 7 weeks of radiation. She went to confer with my radiation oncologist and soon returned with the simplest solution I had ever heard. Mark my skin with a sharpie and put clear sealant dot stickers over it. Like duh. I left extremely annoyed that they insist on tattooing people just to save some effort on their part. The tech instructed me that if they rubbed off that would be a major pain for them and they would have to start the alignment process all over again. Boo hoo. Really?? I assured her that I would take good care of my marks and redraw them and put new stickers over them every day if necessary. I didn't have a single issue with my dots the entire 7 weeks.

Looking back, I know it wasn't just about the black dots. It was about exerting some sort of control over what was happening to me. I couldn't control cancer, but dammit, I was not going to get tattooed for the first time on its account. Since then, I have been in conversations with other survivors in which they make remarks about these black dots they had to get put on their skin. I say, you didn't have to get them put on. I didn't. The looks of confusion were somewhat priceless..... I said, you don't have to do anything.

Even though they are just little black marks, last night I realized how glad I am that they are not there. For me, it is about going through the process your own way. Everyone deals with treatment and survivorship differently, and for me, questioning the standard protocol was just me doing survivorship my way.

Note: The picture is an example of the dots I am talking about. So thank you to whomever posted this picture on the internet :)